I feel so drained. Emotional, mentally, physically, even financially. Chris got paid today and the money was already gone, not just by payments already taken out of our account automatically, but the lovely overdraft fees from before. I wasn't even mad this time. I was just like "whatever". I can't care anymore, I can't be mad or sad about being broke anymore. I'm tired of it. I just feel so blah.

Dealing with Decisions

I would have to say looking back that the year 2007 had to be one of the hardest and most challenging for me. Besides being married on April 20, everything else has proved to be a challenge. My marriage, my career, my child rearing abilities. First my husband and I hit a rough patch financially and I had to start a 2nd job.
Then we moved into my in-laws house. Our credit is practically destroyed, Chris has 14 unpaid tickets, over 5k in credit card debt, and I admit I have my school loan and 1 $300 credit card to pay off. Still it hurt so much to feel like I was losing my independence, hell it even hurt that I felt I couldn't depend on my husband to pull his weight financially.
Soon after I got into a car accident and totalled my car. Not really a financial burden since my insurance company paid off my car (WOOHOO USAA ROCKS!) Still it knocked us down to one vehicle and we had to adjust Chris' work hours, which quite frankly he should have been working 8 hour days anyway!
Lastly, I was forced to make a decision I never thought I would have to make. I found out I was pregnant in early December. My first thought ultimately was "OMG wow I'm gonna have a baby. I hope it's a boy, this could be my chance to have my baby boy." The problem was that Chris and I had decided we weren't going to have anymore children, BUT he knew if I ever got pregnant again I would be ok with it. However, when it came time to tell Chris I was pregnant I just broke down crying because I knew whether it was a boy or a girl, it didn't matter. Chris didn't want it. I already had my daughter when we were 16 and 17 years old and he's always made it clear that we gave up so much to make sure she has everything she needs and wants. Not that we have ever complained, but he felt if we could just have her we would be better off financially and not be too old when she goes off to college. I knew what the whole conversation meant. He supported me with whatever decision I made but he felt strongly about not continuing the pregnancy. For a week I cried and read about abortions because giving a baby up for adoption but keeping my daughter didn't seem like it would even begin to make sense if they ever find each other later. So I read and I cried and I had dreams of a baby boy being born and the nurses taking him away saying I couldn't keep him. I was tattered and torn inside but ultimatley had to think about the stability of my family and our future. I had an abortion on December 27th. I cried through the whole process. I accidentally saw a picture of the sonogram and even though it still looked like a little egg I couldn't help but feel like a peice of crap knowing what I just did. I told Chris that I went against everything I ever believed in because he didn't want to work that much harder to support his child(ren). I've said mean hurtful things to him, blamed it on him, how I would do anything for him and having the surgery proved it. I'm still recovering so it's hard to forget what I did when I cramp up. I'm trying to forgive myself, since I can't simply go back and bring my son back. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I made the wrong decision, I just feel empty, like now a little part of me is missing, and I will NEVER have that part of me back. That is what hurts the most. Believe it is not something I will ever have to do again. Not for anyone.

Hopefully, 2008 will be better.